The Benjamin Diet

There has been a lot of talk lately about dieting and watching your waistline. This morning, I realized that I have the perfect solution for anyone who is looking to lose a few pounds.
His name is Benjamin.
Here is how the diet works. You fill up his plate, and that of his siblings. Just ignore all the whines about what they say they don't like, until they actually try it and decide it really does taste good. Then finally sit down with your own plate. This is the great part, because you don't have to worry about overloading it or getting too much of one thing. After you finally sit down to eat, Benjamin will decide he's done with his plate and that your food looks much better. He will sit on your lap with his own utensil and help himself while you try to take bites around him. I think I lose an average of 200 calories by simply not eating everything that was on my plate and fighting him to get the occasional mouthful myself.
This is a two part system, though. We all know that true weight loss also includes an exercise program. Benjamin come in here, too.
Do you know how hard it is to find a 2 year-old's shoes? Especially when he has somehow managed to cram one of them into far corner under the bed or behind a couch? This leaves the second shoe, which is usually hiding under something like a towel or toy in a room at the opposite end of the house. Results are best in a house with stairs, because you will have to go up and down them at least 3 times in order to find one pair of shoes that are the same size and match.
The only problem I have with marketing this system is that it's one of a kind. Benjamins just don't come around and live with anyone, you know.

Kitchen Elves

We were in Delta this past weekend. I called my parents to tell them when we were headed into town, and then the conversation shifted to how our weekends went. My brother John came up and helped my dad with a project, which I assumed was electrical work in my dad's unfinished basement. It was not.

We came home to discover one line of cabinets in place, and a sort of functioning sink. I have been able to put away about half of our kitchen in these few pieces that are in place. The kitchen elves were very "green" and even reused our old kitchen shelf to use as a temporary countertop. Those Keebler guys have nothing on my elves.

Just Looking

Clifford has been promising me a new kitchen for almost a year. The other day, he finally ripped off a tile just to see what was underneath. Then called my dad over to see what he thought, because Cliff had never seen a grooved foamboard flooring thing. This is what my dad decided needed to happen. Total tear out.

This is what I came home to that evening. You don't want to see my living room right now. The good thing is we have all of the cabinets in the garage, so not only will I get a new kitchen, I will get a garage for the winter! WOOHOO!!!

Snips and Snails

Cliff and I went in for the 20 week ultrasound. We are having another boy, but even more exciting than that, he is healthy! I haven't felt him as much (which was my big concern) because the placenta is in the way, but he is strong and healthy and big.
I thought I might be a little disappointed that we aren't having a girl, but I was so worried there would be something wrong that it wasn't important what the baby is. No markers for any problems that they could see, good functions and all the right number of parts (and they are beautiful little parts)!
Now Nadia, on the other hand, might have a little bit of a problem... Maybe a consolation dinner at the restaurant of her choosing will help, or if I make a big box full of hair bows and flowers just for her. Brandon is excited, and Benjamin just gets mad when I tell him there is a new baby coming. "No! Me baby!" We'll probably get another request to send the baby back, is my guess. Until he can watch Wall-e or play trains, that is.

Super Sharp Showdown

I have mentioned a couple of times that my children have superhero nicknames created by Cliff and I. What I haven't told you is that we, too, have these names and the alter egos to go with them. I am Notoriously Evil Lady, and Cliff is Justice Guy.
Notoriously Evil Lady is very similar to the Hulk, just not green. We both made the mistake of getting in over our heads, he with gamma radiation and I with motherhood. It takes a while to get us riled up, and we even give you fair warning, but once the anger comes, look out.
This is what it took to bring out Notoriously Evil Lady today.
Benjamin soaked the bed. The Smiling Terror, as he is known, was wearing a half full diaper that was on securely at the time. This and finding instruments with which to mark the walls are only two of his superpowers.
Nadia, aka Megagirl, was almost late for school. Why? Because she was tired this morning and also needed a 45 minute shower. Megagirl barely had time to finish breakfast and super sulked when I said maybe she needs to go to bed earlier if she's so tired.
Brandon was all about the schedule today. This is the way Anti-Change Boy works. How much longer until 10:30 fruit snacks? After I get dressed I can play the computer for 20 minutes, because that's what I always do, right?
The Smiling Terror decided he needed to go supervise the dog outside instead of eating, and would follow her out and lose his shoes. Now I don't mind him helping with the dog, but when he is supposed to be eating and sitting at the table, this is not appropriate behavior. The smiling terror got a time-out and started to cry.
Did you know that Anti-Change Boy has an ultrasonic whine? Since we were a little rushed yesterday and almost late, Brandon could not stop asking if we were going to be late again and if he would be in trouble. The whine had started during fruit snack time, when Ben took the wrong bag, even though they weren't open yet. It didn't stop until we arrived at the school.
After getting Brandon to school in plenty of time, it was back home to put Ben down for a nap. Then it was time to scrub the step stool that had mysteriously received large globs of kid toothpaste and were starting to dry. Yeah, those dastardly invisible villains who make huge messes and blame them on innocent children had struck again.
Benjamin woke up early and had to sit on my lap. This is when he is darling and I wonder how I could ever consider him a terror. I soon remembered after the other two came home and settled in for snack time.
While helping Nadia get started on homework, I heard a bone-chilling sound: giggling. This giggle means that the Smiling Terror has just struck again. He had splashed out a half gallon of apple juice all over the kitchen floor and table. I cleaned up the Smiling Terror again, and told him no more juice. After talking to Anti-Change Boy about what it means to be a big brother and helping to stop messes, I went to check on Nadia.
Why Megagirl is Mega? She is mega big, mega smart and mega good. But sometimes all that mega just wears down. She is in 2nd grade and reads at a 4th grade level. Part of her homework is to read every day. So what would this mega smart girl choose? Stellaluna? Make Way For Ducklings? NO. A magnet book. The kind you give a 2 year old to occupy them in church or the car. The kind that has one sentence per page, and it reads something like, "It's a sunny day. Everyone is playing outside."
This is when the children should have known that Notoriously Evil Lady was on her way. I had warned Ben and then Brandon. I now warned Nadia. But like poor Bruce Banner who tells the villain that they won't like him when he's angry, my warnings were unheeded by the superchildren.
Notoriously Evil Lady finally pushed her way out, and when Nadia decided it would be better to just be quiet and not read at all for 20 minutes, Notoriously Evil Lady grounded her and made her work on her piano lessons. Then She threatened Brandon that if he goaded Ben on to do one more thing that Brandon knew was wrong, Brandon would get in trouble for it and have to clean it up. Ben got a swat on the cushy diaper and the door was locked, making it impossible to go outside to lose shoes again. And Notoriously Evil Lady did it all with her Sinister Snarl of Doom.
Now what is Justice Guy's role in in epic battle of heroes and villains? Poor Justice Guy has to deal with the aftermath and make sure all wrongs have been righted. And get me Haagen Dazs.

Checking Out

I am fed up with stores today. I am fed up with not being able to use the one closest to me, sick of not having the ads so I can shop with some idea of what is on sale, and I have had it with people telling me that the item I need is out of stock.
Let me tell you all about it.
Today I decided to go to Walmart. Apparently, Walmart stands for "Wall, you is goin' to have a heck of a time figurin' out whar we put everthin' mart."
I thought I would be okay risking it, even with the remodeling work, because I only needed a few groceries. Milk, eggs, butter, bread, juice, PB and dog food. You would think that is simple. No, it is not. When we arrived, I looked at the new store map to see where they had moved the pet supplies. They are now at the back of the store by the electronics and stationery. I think they are just doing it for the prank of having the fish right next to the small high def tvs and computer monitors. "Joe, quick! You gotta come and see these fish! You'd almost think they were the real thing and not some picture!"
I never found the bread. I looked all around the grocery area, even in the craft and sewing center and stationery section just because they may have thought it would be funny to lump the white bread with white paper or the whole grain with the natural elements bead selection.
It took me over an hour wandering around to check things off this list. I had scheduled 45 minutes, thinking that would give me a good safety cushion. Wrong again. Brandon had to get to school, so we hightailed it to the checkout lanes without the bread or PB, which is not with other condiments.
This is the part that almost killed me. How many lanes were open? 9. Not a bad number, until you realize that 6 of them were express lanes for 20 items or less. They were all empty, but apparently I was WAY over the limit since I bought the 18 count carton of eggs. So that left 3 lanes for us morons who have decided it works better for us to buy all our food at one time during the week instead of coming back to the store every 2-3 hours.
I was 5th in line, and considered myself lucky because the two girls in front of me had shampoo and pillows. They were going to be quick. The lady in front of them, however, was not. The two girls realized this, remembered that they needed something, and left the line. I was ecstatic. Until I saw how much this lady had. Then I too started looking around for some sort of escape. But there was not time and no new registers were opening.
This was when I almost started hitting my head over and over again on the front of the cart. But I am not as limber as I used to be, and couldn't quite make it.
Way-too-much-lady finally started to put her things on the belt. I realized we were going to be cutting it close for school, and maybe we would need to go to McD's place so Brandon could eat on the way to school. Then I realized way-too-much-lady's stuff wasn't moving. I looked up from the belt where I was ready to put down 6 containers of frozen juice and some cans of pasta sauce, only to be stunned with what I saw.
I was in the slow lane. You know the one I'm talking about. The lane where the cashier can't talk and check at the same time, but has to talk. The one where she picks up everything you've put on the belt not to check it, but to examine it, like she had no idea the store sold that product. The lane with the guy who picks up the object, drops it in front of the scanner, picks it up to scan it, and then drops it on the other side so he can pick it up again to put it in the bag. The person who has to plan how they are going to put your purchases in the bags and needs a time-out to write it down on the back of the coupons you just handed them.
The thing is, you cannot rush these people. You may want to yell, scream, cry, or just ask if they could hurry, but if you do, it will either fluster them or anger them and either way, they will go even slower. So I had to bow my head to defeat, unclench my teeth to say, "Fine, thanks," and leave it at that. I knew I had lost.
Brandon barely made it to school on time. He enjoyed having a Happy Meal, even if it had a girl Star Wars toy in it. And I came home to flop on the couch and wish for a Coke. They have probably been moved over next to the laundry detergent or Mentos, but I don't have the strength or 3 hours to go back to the store and see.

Brandon's "New" Blue Bicycle

This is Brandon's bike. It is blue with purple accents and is very battered. That's because it's really Nadia's old bike that was just spray painted blue. Now why would sane parents give a girl bike to a little boy? I will tell you. We are cheapskates and didn't want to spend $70 on a bike Brandon wouldn't ride because it only had two wheels. Forget that it has training wheels on the side to help, this is not a three or four wheeled vehicle, and therefore unsafe to little boys named Brandon.
Then Daddy made him get on, with the usual kicking and screaming. I told you, he really is Anti-Change Boy. Once again, it was proven that Mom and Dad are really not trying to kill Anti-Change Boy, they just want to show him how fun new things can be.
Now he loves the bike, and asks when we can go ride to the park or church. Don't worry, next year he will have a real boy bike. Now that we know he'll actually ride one, we will invest the money to get him one that is boy cool. We may be cheapskates, but we're not super villains. Unless we're potty-training.

Out With The Old

This is my new fridge. I am very excited to have it upstairs in the kitchen now instead of in the garage. You will notice that it is still in the middle of the kitchen; that is because it doesn't quite fit. Cliff and my brother went to a lot of work and trouble to get it up into the space and hauling out the old fridge, then tore up the chair rail and took off the top off the little counter next to the fridge before realizing that this new fridge is still too big. Something I tried to tell them, but being a girl, what do I know about measuring and appliances.
So what does all this mean? It means that I may get my new kitchen. Soon. Just so we can actually use everything again without all the hassle. Am I disappointed with the current inconvenience? No, because Cliff is also inconvenienced, and may therefore decide to finish the project. P.S. I love you, babe.