Checking Out

I am fed up with stores today. I am fed up with not being able to use the one closest to me, sick of not having the ads so I can shop with some idea of what is on sale, and I have had it with people telling me that the item I need is out of stock.
Let me tell you all about it.
Today I decided to go to Walmart. Apparently, Walmart stands for "Wall, you is goin' to have a heck of a time figurin' out whar we put everthin' mart."
I thought I would be okay risking it, even with the remodeling work, because I only needed a few groceries. Milk, eggs, butter, bread, juice, PB and dog food. You would think that is simple. No, it is not. When we arrived, I looked at the new store map to see where they had moved the pet supplies. They are now at the back of the store by the electronics and stationery. I think they are just doing it for the prank of having the fish right next to the small high def tvs and computer monitors. "Joe, quick! You gotta come and see these fish! You'd almost think they were the real thing and not some picture!"
I never found the bread. I looked all around the grocery area, even in the craft and sewing center and stationery section just because they may have thought it would be funny to lump the white bread with white paper or the whole grain with the natural elements bead selection.
It took me over an hour wandering around to check things off this list. I had scheduled 45 minutes, thinking that would give me a good safety cushion. Wrong again. Brandon had to get to school, so we hightailed it to the checkout lanes without the bread or PB, which is not with other condiments.
This is the part that almost killed me. How many lanes were open? 9. Not a bad number, until you realize that 6 of them were express lanes for 20 items or less. They were all empty, but apparently I was WAY over the limit since I bought the 18 count carton of eggs. So that left 3 lanes for us morons who have decided it works better for us to buy all our food at one time during the week instead of coming back to the store every 2-3 hours.
I was 5th in line, and considered myself lucky because the two girls in front of me had shampoo and pillows. They were going to be quick. The lady in front of them, however, was not. The two girls realized this, remembered that they needed something, and left the line. I was ecstatic. Until I saw how much this lady had. Then I too started looking around for some sort of escape. But there was not time and no new registers were opening.
This was when I almost started hitting my head over and over again on the front of the cart. But I am not as limber as I used to be, and couldn't quite make it.
Way-too-much-lady finally started to put her things on the belt. I realized we were going to be cutting it close for school, and maybe we would need to go to McD's place so Brandon could eat on the way to school. Then I realized way-too-much-lady's stuff wasn't moving. I looked up from the belt where I was ready to put down 6 containers of frozen juice and some cans of pasta sauce, only to be stunned with what I saw.
I was in the slow lane. You know the one I'm talking about. The lane where the cashier can't talk and check at the same time, but has to talk. The one where she picks up everything you've put on the belt not to check it, but to examine it, like she had no idea the store sold that product. The lane with the guy who picks up the object, drops it in front of the scanner, picks it up to scan it, and then drops it on the other side so he can pick it up again to put it in the bag. The person who has to plan how they are going to put your purchases in the bags and needs a time-out to write it down on the back of the coupons you just handed them.
The thing is, you cannot rush these people. You may want to yell, scream, cry, or just ask if they could hurry, but if you do, it will either fluster them or anger them and either way, they will go even slower. So I had to bow my head to defeat, unclench my teeth to say, "Fine, thanks," and leave it at that. I knew I had lost.
Brandon barely made it to school on time. He enjoyed having a Happy Meal, even if it had a girl Star Wars toy in it. And I came home to flop on the couch and wish for a Coke. They have probably been moved over next to the laundry detergent or Mentos, but I don't have the strength or 3 hours to go back to the store and see.